NSFW

10.07.156:57 PM ET

Justin Bieber Has a Huge Penis! (But Maybe We Shouldn’t Know That.)

Paparazzi nabbed full-frontal photos of the star on vacation. The Internet lit up with glee, revealing a troubling double standard about invading the privacy of men.
There are Justin Bieber nude pics on the internet. Very nude pics. Completely nude pics. We’ll pause while you google.
The ones you’ll find on most mainstream media outlets are illustrated with acruel black modesty bar. But uncensored ones exist—don’t act like you don’t know how to find them.
And holy mother of god. Let’s just say we’re finally beginning to understand the source of that Magnum-sized ego. It might get harder to fault Bieber for obnoxiously walking through life with his dick swinging—now that we’ve seen his dick swinging.
Bieber was photographed in the buff while in Bora Bora, where he was vacationing with rumored girlfriend Jayde Pierce. He was casually walking around the deck of his bungalow when paparazzi captured the bleached blonde star in all his glory. (And what glory.) From the front. From the back. Hello, Justin Bieber.
It’s not the first time the crisp ocean airs of Polynesian paradise moved the Biebz to a more naturalist spirit. Back in July, Bieber Instagrammed a photo of himself on a boat gazing at Bora Bora’s famous mountain, baring his bottom to the camera. It was beautiful. It was Justin Bieber’s butt! And it was different.
You see, we’re a culture sending mixed messages here.
ADVERTISEMENT
 
There are 140-character celebrations being staged all over Twitter. Head to @kpfallon for one of them. After being baited with and subjected to countless links and headlines and tweets and tabloid covers teasing candid nude photos of female celebrities, there was a feeling among those who are attracted to men that perhaps we were owed this.
We’re a community forced to savor every burst seam in the ripped crotch in Lenny Kravitz’s pants and each nanosecond of a blink-and-miss-it Ben Affleck shower scene. It’s not often we’re thrown a bone (heh) like this from the lecherous heteronormative paparazzi.
Any gay man who’s grown up with access to the early years of the internet has encyclopedic knowledge of every past instance of full-frontal male paparazzi shots. It’s a short encyclopedia: Sting on the beach. Jude Law changing out of his swimsuit. Grainy camera pics of Daniel Radcliffe on Broadway, and, the day we all saw God, Brad Pitt, on vacation (just like Biebs).
Yet the amount of actresses whose boobs we’ve seen because paparazzi caught them sunbathing on a beach or on a yacht or on a hotel chaise lounge is longer than Bieber’s recently debuted cock. (Topical!)  Those who prefer to look at naked men, we’re not given much to objectify.
But, honestly, objectification is what it is.
Is there news value in a person being photographed walking around their hotel room naked while on vacation? Nope. None. Not at all. Not even if it’s Justin Bieber.
Is there news value in a person being photographed walking around their hotel room naked while on vacation? Nope. None. Not at all. Not even if it’s Justin Bieber.
If vacationing halfway around the world on a bomb-ass overwater bungalow doesn’t give you the sanctity of privacy to do normal things like walk around naked on a bomb-ass overwater bungalow and feel like a motherfucking stud, that’s a travesty. As someone who has done that very thing—a peak motherfucking stud moment in the life of Kevin Fallon—this is a disheartening reality.
And jokes aside, it is a grave invasion of privacy, one that we are excusing because Justin Bieber is a dude.
Arguably, there would be a modicum of outrage if this were a female celebrity who was photographed unsuspectingly while under the guise of privacy. At least a bleating whisper of one. Especially at a time when stars’ personal safety has been compromised by our rapacious desire to breach their right to privacy, intimacy, and their own sexual agency—let’s not forget how horrifying and despicable The Fappening was—it’s problematic that our appetite for such photos is still insatiable.